Well, Christmas 2012 is nearly over. It was very pleasant. I thoroughly enjoyed having someone else cook my Christmas dinner. It was a real treat and one, quite frankly, I feel I deserved this year. It has been wonderful to be able to take a back seat from some of the household tasks as my husband has been doing them. When the edges of guilt started to creep in I banished them clear away. There is no need for the guilt. I am on the countdown to surgery so why shouldn't I take it slightly more easy?
We got a 'Wii' for the family this Christmas. One of the songs reminded me that it is only a month to go before I am due to have my heart surgery. I range from being really strong to being terrified. In my Christian mind I know that all things are in God's hands. I am sure I could recite loads of bible verses and often do to help me. In my fearful state I imagine all sorts of things. I need to carry a book around with me and write down the things that pop into my mind at any given opportunity. ('What sort of bra can I wear in recovery?', 'Just how loudly will I tick?', 'Will I forget I tick and wonder where the noise is coming from?' 'Will I ever run or exercise again? 'and 'Will the ticking finally send me over the edge of insanity?')
I wish I could write a blog about great strength and trust. I may write more blogs about my feelings over the next month and during recovery. I may wax lyrical about being carried where the way was too hard, I may let you into the dark humour that I use to get through and then again I may just rant about the unfairness of this situation. One lesson I have learnt whilst waiting is that each day is different; one day I will be fine and the next I am planning an escape to some mountains where I can pretend that my valve will go on forever without the need of surgical replacement.
I obviously cannot tell you the future but mine will almost certainly hold pain, hard work and determination. So to help with that I will buy some decent underwear and a cushion. That way I will still be able to laugh without too much pain. :)