Or group of words for that matter. I have lived all my life knowing that I have a heart murmur. Somehow, that is a comforting term; something like the gentle noise of the waves on a beautiful calm day. I have lived with it and recently run with it.
During the winter I had a number of colds. I went to the GP twice to get them checked out because of my asthma. She mentioned my heart murmur and back in February I managed to stave off the referral to "get it reviewed". In March I did not. She referred me for a few tests including a Echo Scan.
Last Thursday, my nice gentle heart murmur officially became a Leaky Aortic Valve. I really do not like the change in name; the waves are a lot more bumpy now. I was born with a congenital abnormality of the heart valve which my Cardiologist (for I have one again!) told me in blunt and non-sympathetic tones that it was a case of "when" not "if" I would require a replacement. My anxiety is "all in my mind" and I need to speak with my GP about getting it dealt with! My husband and I have a lot of questions about this that need answering and we will seek them out before we do anything irreversible.
I am gradually telling people I know about this and for some it is like I have just said "I need an ingrowing toe-nail removed" for such is their reaction - "Oh, you'll be alright!!" Others have been delightful and have offered help in anyway they can give it. My employers have been amazing and told me to have any time off I need. I do have to fight the urge to use humour about this at times as I am not sure everyone will understand but it helps my husband and myself.
Thankfully, the gut-wrenching shock of a week ago has subsided but the ripples of anxiety still hit me when I am not expecting them. I give each day over to the Lord for that is truly all I can deal with at any one time. I have a long journey ahead of me which will feature invasive tests, appointments and ultimately surgery. My children know that mummy needs more tests and we will tell them the depth of things when it is absolutely necessary. I read the Bible and pray a lot and with more purpose. I know that He will have to give me the strength to get through because I will not be able to on my own. In my weak and feeble human state I can say that God knows the end from the beginning and this is not a shock to Him.